How can neurodivergent individuals navigate their tech careers and establish workplace boundaries?

Product management Product management careers and networking
1

I’ve been reflecting on how being neurodivergent influences my job and relationships with coworkers, and a recent conversation with a friend highlighted this impact on my career.

For instance, my former manager once noticed I seemed off and asked how she could support me, but I was unable to articulate my feelings and just froze. Her attempts to help led to frustration on both sides. Although she suggested we avoid morning meetings since they’re not ideal for me, establishing boundaries is still tough. Despite being a high-performing lead on a successful mobile application team, social interactions remain a significant hurdle.

In personal situations, I’ve also faced challenges since I sometimes misread social cues. For example, I once invited someone over casually, but he interpreted it differently. Additionally, I often find myself dealing with persistent advances at professional networking events. My tendency to please others due to past experiences makes it tough for me to say no straightforwardly.

I realize now that I might need to be more transparent about my neurodivergence as I progress in my career, but I’m unsure how to go about it.

Here are my main questions:

  1. For fellow neurodivergent folks in tech - when did you disclose your neurodivergence to your manager? What was your approach, and did you request specific accommodations or just explain your general work style?

  2. Should I bring this up with HR? I’m concerned it could be turned against me in some workplace cultures.

  3. Do neurodivergent-friendly workplaces exist? If so, what characterizes them?

Being a woman in the tech industry is challenging enough, and being neurodivergent adds another layer of difficulty. I’ve avoided public speaking opportunities because sharing my photo online often leads to unwanted attention. Instead, I focused on supporting and organizing events for other female leaders. However, I faced rejection for a visa application because they demanded more public visibility, which I have had to avoid for safety’s sake.

I used to handle everything thrown my way, organizing numerous events while leading teams and reporting to upper management. This relentless pace resulted in panic attacks and burnout, and I refuse to jeopardize my well-being for the sake of proving my capabilities.

I really want to raise awareness among others, especially men in tech, about some critical points:

  1. A significant portion of the population is neurodivergent.
  2. Neurodivergent individuals often have difficulties with boundaries and social signals, so requesting personal information at work events is inappropriate.
  3. If someone declines a date, pressing the matter isn’t acceptable, especially given the difficulties some neurodivergent people face in asserting themselves.

Has anyone else faced similar challenges? How have you managed to communicate with colleagues or establish clearer boundaries?

2

Most ‘neurodivergent-friendly workplace’ claims are BS. Companies slap diversity badges on their sites and call it done. HR isn’t your friend - they protect the company, not you. Saw a coworker disclose to HR expecting support. Suddenly every small mistake became a ‘performance issue.’

Harsh reality? Get good at masking until you find your people. Start with one ally - maybe that dev lead who actually listens or the PM who sends follow-ups without being asked. Build from there instead of expecting the whole system to change for you.

As for men in tech needing awareness? Good luck. Most can’t handle basic feedback, let alone understanding neurodivergent boundaries.

3

Your experience hits home for so many of us dealing with the same stuff. On disclosure timing - I’ve found it works better to prove yourself professionally first. Skip the formal HR route initially and focus on building trust with your direct manager once you’ve shown what you can do.

Neurodivergent-friendly workplaces definitely exist. They usually have flexible communication styles, follow up verbal discussions in writing, and managers who care about your work output instead of forcing you to act neurotypical. Look for companies with diversity programs that actually mention neurodiversity.

For boundaries, I’ve learned to script responses ahead of time. Having ready phrases to decline invitations or shut down weird workplace conversations saves so much mental energy when stuff comes up. Practice them until they’re automatic.

You’re spot-on about the double challenge of being a woman AND neurodivergent in tech. Check out groups like Autistic Women’s Network or neurodiversity employee resource groups at bigger tech companies. These communities share real strategies for navigating work without tanking your career growth.

4

The freezing thing when managers ask how they can help? So relatable. Same thing happened to me last year - supportive manager could tell something was wrong, but when she asked what she could do, my brain completely shut down.

I emailed her afterwards explaining I process better in writing and need time to think through accommodation requests. She was totally cool with it and we figured out solutions together.

Most good managers don’t need the full neurodivergent disclosure - they just want to know how to work with you effectively. My current boss doesn’t know my diagnosis but knows I prefer async communication and need meeting agendas in advance. Works perfectly.

Networking events though… ugh. I started bringing a colleague as backup so there’s always someone who can redirect conversations when they get weird.

5

You don’t have to disclose everything upfront. About 15-20% of people are neurodivergent, but most workplaces barely use accommodations. Try asking for specific things first - like written meeting summaries or a quieter desk - without mentioning any diagnosis. These requests usually get approved easily.

Timing matters. I’ve seen people have success bringing up accommodations during performance reviews when their good work is already on record. Frame it as maximizing what you’re already great at, not fixing problems.

For setting boundaries, we need clear communication frameworks - the vague stuff doesn’t work. Microsoft, SAP, and JPMorgan Chase all have neurodiversity programs now, so things are shifting. Look for companies with actual inclusive policies and employee groups, not just buzzwords.

Being a neurodivergent woman in tech hits different, especially around communication expectations. Find professional networks that get this specific combo - they’ll have scripts and strategies that actually work in tech environments.