I’ve done dozens of coffee chats with bankers, and I’ve noticed that most of them feel… polite but hollow. I ask the standard questions (‘how did you think about your transition,’ ‘what was the biggest adjustment,’ etc.), and people give me thoughtful answers. But I walk away without a clearer picture of what I should actually be doing differently or who else I should talk to.
I’m trying to figure out what separates a networking conversation that opens doors from one that just fills a calendar. I’ve had a few conversations that felt way more productive—where the person actually said something that changed how I thought about the climb, or they said ‘you should talk to so-and-so about X.’ But most fall somewhere in between.
I’m curious what real networking conversations sound like from the other side. What questions actually get people to engage versus give generic answers? And when someone walks away from a chat with you thinking ‘I should help this person move forward,’ what were they actually responding to—something you said, how you acted, what you asked?
I don’t want to engineer this or be manipulative, but I also don’t want to waste mine or anyone else’s time on conversations that go nowhere. What’s the difference?
I remember talking to a senior banker who told me about a specific moment when he realized he wasn’t ready for associate—a deal blow-up where he mishandled client communication. That story stuck with me more than any generic advice. Later, I had a conversation where I actually shared a real mistake I’d made and what I learned from it, instead of just asking questions. The banker opened up differently after that. He even texted me later saying, ‘your intuition on that client angle was right, let me make an intro.’ The difference was real vulnerability, not rehearsed questions.
Productive networking conversations shift when you move from information-gathering to genuine exchange. Here’s what I notice: analysts who ask me about my experience and then actually listen, who follow up on specifics I mention, and who—most importantly—share something real about their own trajectory, create resonance. The associates who’ve gotten help from me did something different than standard coffee chat questions. They’d say something like, ‘I’m struggling with this specific situation on my team,’ or ‘I realized I don’t understand how client relationships actually carry weight in promotion decisions.’ Real problems generate real conversations. Generic questions get generic answers. You’ll know the difference when someone says, ‘let me introduce you to someone who deals with exactly what you’re working on.’
most coffee chats are useless bc people are just asking what theyre supposed to ask. ‘how was ur transition’—boring. ‘what skills matter’—boring. ppl want to help when u ask them something they actually find interesting or when u seem self-aware enough to know what u dont know. ive had analysts ask me ‘was there a moment u realized u werent cut out for banking’ which is honest and way more engaging than ‘what was the hardest part.’ people help ppl who seem real, not polished.
Research on networking efficacy suggests conversations generate follow-up action approximately 60% more frequently when they involve specific problem-solving versus general information exchange. The variable that correlates most strongly with sponsor engagement is when the junior person demonstrates detailed knowledge of the senior person’s work—not generic sector knowledge, but specificity about deal involvement or client relationships. Conversations where you cite specific work (a transaction they were involved in, a client dynamic they know well) before asking your question consistently lead to introductions or ongoing engagement. The underlying pattern: senior people invest in people who’ve done enough homework to make the conversation substantive.
so ur saying we should ask way more specific qs and actually study wht ppl have worked on b4 we meet them? that makes total sense actually.
You’re onto something really important! Real, specific conversations create real connections. Keep being genuine and curious, and the right doors will open!