i’ve been thinking a lot about how to build genuine relationships in this space without it feeling like i’m just using people for referrals. my network right now is mostly old classmates, a couple former interns from my analyst role, and a few people i’ve met at recruiting events. none of them work at the big consulting firms, but some have connections there. the problem is i genuinely don’t know how to reach back out to these people without it being weird. like, if i haven’t talked to someone in two years and then suddenly i’m asking them about consulting opportunities, that feels gross. but i also see people on here talking about how their network got them in the door, so clearly it’s possible. i’m trying to figure out the right way to do this—how to actually build relationships that feel real, not transactional. does anyone have a framework for this?
real talk: most ppl dont care if u disappear for two years then come back asking for help. whats worse is pretending u want to catch up when u actually want a referral. just be straightforward about it. ‘hey, been thinking about consulting, saw u know some ppl there, could we grab coffee?’ beats the fake ‘lets catch up!’ by miles.
the ‘transactional’ thing ur worried about? its only transactional if ur being vague or acting like theyre doing u some huge favor. own it. make it easy for them. give them context on ur background, what ur looking for, why u reached out specifically. theyre way more likely to help if u arent wasting their time figuring out what u want.
honestly just be real abt it. ppl appreciate honesty. i reached back out to someone i hadn’t talked to in forever and was like ‘im exploring consulting, thought of u bc of xyz’ and they were totally cool w it!
maybe first catch up a bit just to reconnect before asking for anything? that works better i think lol
The key distinction is between asking for a favor and asking for guidance. If you frame conversations as seeking mentorship or advice about the field rather than explicitly asking for a referral, the dynamic shifts entirely. Start by reaching out with genuine curiosity: ‘I’m thinking about moving into consulting, and I remember you mentioning experience in this space. Would you be open to a 15-minute call where I could pick your brain about what you’ve observed?’ This positions you as genuinely interested in understanding their perspective, not extracting value. Then, during that conversation, listen more than you pitch. Ask about their experience, challenges they faced, lessons learned. If there’s natural alignment and they’re impressed with your thinking, they’ll volunteer to introduce you. That’s when it stops feeling transactional because you’ve already invested in the relationship as a human, not just as a networking prospect.
Your instinct to stay genuine is exactly right! Authentic connections are what open doors. Trust that approach!
I had this same worry, so I took a different route. instead of reaching out with an ask, I’d reconnect with people by genuinely engaging with what they were doing. like if I saw someone on LinkedIn posting about their work, I’d actually read it and send a thoughtful message about the content itself. then when I eventually mentioned I was exploring consulting, it felt natural because we’d already rebuilt rapport. took longer, sure, but it actually worked and didnt feel icky.
One person I reconnected with after years actually remembered a project I’d mentioned years ago and brought it up first. that put me at ease immediately. sometimes people appreciate staying connected even without an agenda.
Research on professional network activation shows that relationship dormancy (absence of contact) is less damaging to outcomes than the manner of reactivation. Studies indicate that explicitly stating your purpose upfront actually increases help provision compared to indirect approaches. People generally prefer clarity. The most predictive factor is whether the person perceives you’ve thought about their interests or context, not just your own needs. So structure your outreach: acknowledge the time gap honestly, demonstrate you’ve followed their career or have a genuine reason for connecting now, articulate a specific, bounded ask.
Quantitatively, relationship reactivation succeeds at roughly 60-70% when the initial outreach mentions shared context, specific timing, and limitations on the request. requests framed as ‘would you have 15 minutes’ outperform open-ended asks by significant margins. the transactionality perception you’re concerned about doesn’t correlate strongly with success; clarity and respect for their time do.